So much....

There has been so much going on here lately, I don't even know where to begin.  It feels as if everything has distracted me from "my life".  At the moment, I don't quite feel myself and sometimes feel as if I am living someone else's life and failing miserably at it.  I know part of it is the pregnancy hormones and feeling the pressure of another life being a part of our family, but there are other things as well.  I hate to just spill my guts; but for some reason this time, I feel like I need to share.  I know that not many people read my blog and that is ok. This will be a little therapeutic for me perhaps. 
Anyways, shortly after I found out that I was pregnant, my step-father (who played a huge part in my raising) told me that he was dying.  He has been battling cancer the whole time that Robb and I have been married, but now it's different.  In December he was given 6-12 months to live.  Things stayed the same for a few months but now he is not really eating and having a hard time breathing.  It is becoming very realistic that he will not make it until October. I pray that he does and that he gets to meet Lila, but that is not up to me. 
In addition to that, Robb and I have really come to the conclusion that something is different about our son Ryan.  He is a very special boy and has made leaps and bounds of improvements, but something I feel is still not quite right.  We have decided to get him checked out, not for anyone else but for ourselves.  We would like to know if he just has a rebellious spirit about him or if there is something else going on (ADD/ADHD, ODD, SID/SPD), so we can properly address it.
In the middle of dealing with this, I have let the devil get inside my head and whisper things to me that are making me feel self conscience and inferior.  "You can't teach him properly at home, you need to leave it to the professionals" and "there is no way you have the patience to teach a child with special needs".  When I say these things aloud, they sound stupid, but I will allow them to marinate inside my head and make me feel like I don't have the ability to home school him.  I have gone back and forth with this since January and I can not allow it anymore.  The fact is, I would love to send Ryan to public school. I would love a break from my child (yes! I said it!). BUT... Do I think public school is what is best for him? No.  Do I think I have a lot on my plate at the moment? Yes!  Do I think I have the ability to teach my child at home regardless? Certainly!
I have come to the realization that God gave Ryan to me for a reason (just like all my kids). However, I think Ryan needs me and God knew that when He gave him to me.  I know I need Ryan.  As much as that child makes me want to pull my hair out and throw in the towel at times, it is such a wonderful blessing to see him actually get something and make a good decision.  It's so rewarding when I see him have compassion on another child.  The fact of the matter is, there is no better place for Ryan than with me and his daddy, learning from us.  After dealing with the lows, I certainly don't want to miss any of his highs. 
Yes it's going to be hard having a new baby and homeschooling 2 children with very different needs. Yes it will be difficult to loose such a special and important person in my life to cancer and still be strong enough to hold it all together.  But because of the Lord's great love, none of this will consume me.  His mercies are new every morning and great is HIS faithfulness.  The Lord is my portion and I will hope in Him!  Thank you Lord for never letting go!